


Hand Holding

by NineOrNothing



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 09:16:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16762288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NineOrNothing/pseuds/NineOrNothing
Summary: Lee Felix loves holding his members hands.Until suddenly, he doesn't.OR: Changbin refuses to hold poor Felix's hand.[ I'm really sorry, guys. This is my first fanfiction. The idea suddenly came to my mind so I had to write it out and I'm a sucker for angst, but I don't know if I'm any good at it. Any constructive feedback would be nice! Thank you for reading, if you did. - NON ]





	1. Refusal.

Felix loved holding hands.

He loved intertwining his fingers with theirs. He loved feeling their fingers caress his, or squeeze his hand in comfort.

Most of all, he loved the feeling of being connected. The thought of someone being there, hands touching, it gave him comfort and support.

He loved it.

Until one day, he didn't.

The first time he deeply thought about his infatuation with hand holding was when his closest friend, out of nowhere, stopped accepting it.

It was a Saturday when it started to happen, the group had a rare free day and he slept in, like most of them.

He woke up at ten and stumbled out into the kitchen, rubbing at his eyes. "Morning." He grumbled, yawning softly.

A couple of greetings were called back and before he knew it, he was standing beside an awfully quiet Changbin.

He mumbled a small 'hi' and slipped his hand into the others warmer one. He felt himself relax.

It was when Changbin tugged his hand back and shoved it in his pocket, that Felix questioned himself.

It was a small thought, like 'Was my hand cold?' But he didn't question it again that day, only pouted and waddled up to Woojin to give him a back hug, watching the older cook up breakfast.

He questioned himself again the next day, during their thirty minute break at the dance studio.

Felix was exhausted, drinking desperately from a half empty water bottle. When he finished, he looked around, taking everything in.

Seungmin and Jeongin were chilling in the back corner, and for once, Jeongin wasn't running away from the others affection.

Woojin, Jisung, Minho and Hyunjin were - even during the break - going through some of the moves they found difficult, helping each other out when needed.

Chan was on his phone, keeping a watchful eye over his members.

And Changbin, he was sitting on the bench not far from himself. Smiling, Felix stood, sliding up to his best friend. He plopped down beside him and leant against the wall with a sigh, nudging Changbin's hand with his own.

For a second, everything was fine, until Changbin stood abruptly, sparing him a small glance and walking over to sit beside Chan instead.

Felix felt a stab of hurt, but took a deep breath, maybe Changbin wasn't in the mood today.

Changbin was quiet though, through out the day, answering only when spoken to.

The third time was when Felix really started to think about it.

3racha were in the studio, writing lyrics, going through their music, making new music. It was chill.

Felix was invited along by Chan, who did so because the dorm was empty, leaving Felix all alone, the others were off today, doing their own things.

He was grateful Chan asked, but felt off sitting with them, perhaps he felt like a bother.

They were almost done, but Jisung had one more thing to do and asked Felix what he thought about the beat he made.

He pulled a chair up beside him and Changbin and listened. It was really good, he thought, but felt like something was missing.

"I really like it. I think you could try putting in a higher beat somewhere here," He pointed at the computer, "that's just a suggestion though." Felix smiled, dropping his hand back down and onto the desk. 

"That might work." Changbin spoke up, nodding.

Jisung grinned, "Thank you, Felix!" He exclaimed, getting back to work.

Felix nodded and shifted his hand a little, accidentally bumping it into Changbin's when he went to leave.

Felix flinched back when Changbin retaliated by slapping his hand away and speaking to Jisung as if it didn't happen. 

The blonde wheeled his chair back a bit, moving away from them. He stared at his hand, gritting his teeth. Changbin was being mean.

He really wanted to hold someone's hand. Changbin refusing to do so saddened him.

Hopping off the chair, he gave Changbin one last, wide eyed glance before leaving, mumbling a goodbye to Chan, who, by the looks of it, was in his own world.

He sought comfort in Minho that day, eagerly holding the older dancers hands. Minho, like him, had a thing with hand holding, especially since the survival show when he had to rap and Jisung grabbed his hand.

Felix complained about Changbin and his refusal until he practically fell asleep on the dancers lap.

Minho was really kind, he might not show it outwardly, but everyone knew they could come to him, Chan or Woojin for things.

The next time, was the last straw.

They'd gotten off stage, concert done, sweat dripping off their faces and smiles spreading.

Hand tingling, Felix reached out for Changbin before pausing. He hesitated. But seeing the smile on the others face as they walked towards the change room, he continued.

He desperately wanted to hold someone's hand and Changbin was right there. He felt deprived. Felix continued reaching and intertwined their fingers quickly.

Changbin didn't react, still smiling. He glanced at whoever grabbed him and stopped walking, grin dropping suddenly.

It caused Felix to stop smiling too. "Hyung?" He mumbled, confused.

The others had gone ahead, not even noticing they had stopped.

Changbin snatched his hand back, leaving Felix to feel vulnerable.

"Can't you take a hint?" Changbin exclaimed, gritting his teeth.

Felix stepped away, hand dropping to his side as his lips trembled. He opened his mouth to speak and oh, hey- his eyes were getting blurry.

His heart thumped in his chest, ribs closing in. He felt like someone had punched him in the stomach.

"W-What?" He finally asked, the happiness of a good concert washing down the drain. He felt completely shattered.

"Don't you get it? I'm not gay and I don't like you like that, so stop trying to hold my hand." Changbin hissed, stepping forward. His own hands shook, wanting desperately to slap himself in the face. Felix, Lee Felix was crying, right infront of him. But the thoughts in his head seemed to slither around his throat, tightening and tightening with every breath. 

Felix stepped back, head dropping. Changbin's words stabbed him through the heart. Gay. He felt the sob bubbling up until it spilled over, he had no control. He stepped back again, body shaking as he tried to keep the sobs at bay. He kept his eyes downcast, not wanting to see Changbin's disgusted face any longer. He felt as if his legs would collapse from beneath him.

Changbin scoffed, the noise more of a defeated huff. He couldn't stand watching any longer, swallowing the bubble trapped in his throat, he left, nails digging into his palm. 

Felix gave up on standing as soon as he left, knees slamming into the ground. He tried to rub the tears away before more escaped but the blur in his eyes grew worse and the tears wouldn't stop.

His body wracked with sobs as he curled in on himself, small hands clutching his knees.

/Gay, gay, gay.

Don't you get it?

Gay, gay, gay.

Take a fucking hint./

"I'm s-sorry." He sobbed.

Five minutes passed and Chan had found him, knees pressed against his chest.

"Dude, there you are. We were wondering where you and Changbin went."

Felix looked away, bottom lip trembling, Chan didn't need to know. But when their leader placed a hand on his head and asked what was wrong, Felix didn't bother trying to hold it in.

He cried into Chan's chest and explained through gasps of air, what had happened.

Chan, their loving and supporting leader, slipped his hand into Felix's and squeezed, thumb rubbing over Felix's finger. He reassured him with everything he had, that his love for affection wasn't a bad thing and it wasn't weird, at all. He reassured him that - if he was gay - it wasn't a bad thing either. Love is love. It doesn't matter what gender. It should never matter, he said.

So, Chan brought him back to their change room, Felix's tears gone with a swipe of his sleeve. They arrived hand in hand. He sent a look towards Changbin as they sat down, waiting for their manager to take them home.

They had something to discuss.

\- NON


	2. Redemption.

True to Chan's thoughts, the leader waited till everyone had fallen asleep to approach Changbin. Although, after peeking into three different rooms, realised he wasn't in any of them.

Sighing, Chan tore his eyes from a sleeping Felix, the boy curled up in a blanked double his size. Gently, he shut the door, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

Spotting light in the corner of his vision, Chan stepped away and turned his head to the right. Of course, he thought, the bathroom.

Tip-toeing up to the door, Chan pressed his ear against it and listened. He pursed his lips together at the sound of a muffled sniffle and knocked on the door. 

"Changbin?"

The noise stopped.

Lowering his hand to grasp the door knob, Chan turned it, ready to stroll right in.

"Don't."

He froze, hand slipping from the door. "Changbin, let me in." In that moment, Chan didn't know if he meant into the bathroom, or into his head. "Please. I'm not angry, I just want to talk." He pressed his head against the door and waited.

It opened, slowly. Slipping inside, Chan shut it behind him before shifting his gaze upwards.

Changbin stood before him, hair a mess, as if he couldn't stop pulling on it. His eyes were lined with red, face taking on the same sort of colour.

To Chan, he looked like a child. Guilty, regretful, sad. There was embarrassment too, most likely to the fact that Chan was watching him cry.

"Oh, Binnie..." He whispered, face dropping. He stepped forward, reaching for the younger.

But Changbin stepped away, hand held out to stop him. "I'm not a child." He whispered.

"That doesn't matter. You know most of us don't act our age, what's the problem with it now? Our age doesn't get to tell us how we behave."

Chan smiled, taking another step forward. "Tell me what happened, Binnie. It's not like you to refuse affection. And I know you wouldn't do what you did to Felix without a reasonable explanation. I know you, Changbin."

Changbin breathed in with a sniffle, playing with the bottom of his plain, black shirt. "A week ago, when we had a couple of days free, I went home to have dinner with Mum and Dad."

Chan nodded, reaching for the younger ones hand. "I remember. Before you started ignoring Lixie?"

Changbin lowered his head at the reminder as Chan started to lead him out of the bathroom and into the living room.

He nodded, "Well, they mentioned an article Dad read earlier that day and-" Changbin paused, shaking his head in frustration.

"It's okay. You can tell me."

The younger looked up, pressing his hands together as he thought back.

// "It's disgusting." His Dad said, stabbing his chopsticks into the salad. "A relationship between two males?"

"It's a sin." His Mother supplied, wiping the edge of her mouth with a napkin.

Changbin stayed silent, nails pressing deep into his thigh as he sipped on his water. Disgusting, his father's words ringing in his head.

"Changbin?" 

He looked up at the sound of his name. "Mmh?" He hummed.

"What do you think?"

He debated whether or not to speak his mind, or to let them think he thought the same.

"I think..." He paused, "I don't really care." He finished.

His parents would never know that he himself, was gay.

"You don't care?" His Father asked, placing his chopsticks down. 

"Honey." His Mum interrupted, placing a hand over her husband's. "I have been meaning to ask you something though, Changbin."

He nodded to show he was listening.

"That boy in your group, Felix. He seems to be getting a bit too touchy with you. I don't want you to be... uncomfortable."

Changbin sat up, clearing his throat as he cocked a brow. "But I'm not uncomfortable?" 

"That boy is too touchy with you. One might think he's-"

"Gay?" Changbin supplied, curling his hands into fists. His Mother nodded.

"What if he was?" He asked, mouth quicker than his brain. He panicked.

"Is he?" His Father hissed.

"No! No, he's not." Changbin jerked forward to protest and to protect his friend, hoping they didn't realise he was lying.

"Good, we don't want him corrupting our child."

That was the last straw, he pushed his chair back and stood up, "I've gotta get back now, thank you for dinner." He told them, voice cold and their words bouncing around in his head.

He loved his parents, he truly did. And they loved him back just as much, he couldn't wish for better parents. But their views on certain things were just,

wrong. //

"I couldn't stop thinking about what they said, and I just- I didn't want them to know I was gay and I didn't want them to know I liked affection so much and I knew I had to do something, but what I did was so, so wrong and I'm so sorry, it was so wrong, I didn't know what I was thinking-"

Chan cut him off, bringing the younger into a hug, pressing Changbin's tear stained face into his shoulder. "Shh, it's okay." He reassured him, rubbing a hand up and down his back.

"What they said- it was wrong. Love is love, no matter what. It is NOT disgusting. And it's okay to be affectionate, we're all very touchy people, and that's absolutely fine."

"I'm so sorry." Changbin cried into his shoulder, "I was so mean to him."

"It's okay, you just have to apologize to Felix, he'll understand if you tell him. And, do you, by any chance, like Felix?" Chan asked, running a hand through the others hair.

Changbin bolted up, "I- Wh- How did you know I was g-gay?"

"Binnie, relax. You just told me. You don't remember? You were rambling earlier."

The younger relaxed into his hold once again, feeling slightly embarrassed. "I don't know. I- I think so?"

"Hey, it's okay, you don't need to panic." Chan tightened his hold.

"Thank you, Chan." Changbin mumbled into his shoulder.

"For what?"

"Everything."

Chan snorted, "It's okay, Binnie. That's what friends do. And you see what we're doing right now? Hugging, being affectionate and emotional because that's okay, remember that."

\- NON


End file.
